I don't remember when exactly I decided to start this blog... I guess it has been an idea I have had for a long time, but the idea of expressing myself and opening up to the 'looking glass' seemed almost unsettling.

Here I sit, 26 years old, about to have my third kid, married for almost 6 years, wondering where the hell the time went.

Let me attempt to stay on point here, as I can often be long winded and lose sight of where the tie-in is in my attempt to convey something...

I don't feel much of anything. This is nothing new. I can look back at my life and really count on my hands the times I have ever really had emotional connections to anything, or really felt an emotional draw to anyone or anything (other than what I will explain later). I grew up always being the 'strange', 'different' kid who would rather wonder about the why than wonder about what. Solitude was always a friend of mine, and the lameness I felt internally highlighted how true those titles were.
The only emotion I really can relate and understand is anger... its not hard to illicit from me, as it is one of the only feelings I get. I run on anger. It motivates me, infuriates me, calls me to action, and makes me lose connections. I love anger just as much as I love stress... I need them. Without anger and stress I would pretty much feel nothing at all.

I love my kids, I love my wife, but the feelings I hear vocalized and and written about that are called 'love' I might have felt for a second once. Love to me is experienced differently, but still is love to my understanding.

When high school came to a close I joined the Marine Corps because it seemed logical to me. The benefits were great, I tested well, and it seemed like maybe I would find a place I fit in; a place where timeliness, directness, and strategy would be embraced. I was wrong. Don't give me wrong, I am glad I have served (over 3/4 of a decade now, and still on to finish my decade of servitude), but I have only felt more isolated since I have been in.

I want to talk about the universe, I want to understand the complexity of the social parameters we set up, I want to look at the world from a 30,000 ft view mentally and dissed it all to try to get a better understanding of what I never felt a part of.

I have found that my service has only isolated me further. Now I am a 26 year old who was 'weird' before, but now has been in combat multiple times, travelled the world, started a family, got a college education, and really has little to connect with when talking to people my age.

People that hear about my life are often shocked by how much I have done through the trials and tribulation I have experienced; the younger crowd don't want to talk to me anymore, and the older crowd look at me like a physical manifestation of a broken heart. All of this occurs in the 'rapport' phase, before I even get to really have a conversation.

(I am trying to stay on topic)

I can remember the first time I felt emotions and actually felt alive. It was 5th grade and I just came home from school. It was an early release day and I got to walk home with the cool kids, hoping to be cool by association (or at least understand what being 'cool' was). When I got home I saw my older sister sitting on the couch of our apartment watching MTV's TRL with Carson Daily (sp?). Song number 5 on the countdown was the song playing when I walked by. The song was by Incubus, and the song was called 'Stellar'. It was the first time something actually caught my ear and I felt excitement that was more than 'here is dinner because I know you are starving'. I had to have the album, and decided that music actually was something more than just resonating sounds that really had nothing to further the world.

Weeks later I received the cd 'Make Yourself' for my birthday. Finally I could listen to Incubus and experience something other than the questioning of my existence, which I did quite often, in 5th grade. What I heard was the greatest thing I had ever experienced up to that point. I felt so many different emotions through each song, and the lyrical content was like many thoughts I wanted to express somehow, but could never find a medium or outlet to do so. It was the greatest thing, and was the first moment in my life where I felt accepted. This band understood me and reflected all of my inner turmoil and self expression onto the disk I had playing repeatedly. It was so emotional and personal that I didn't want to listen to it when people were around. Listening to that CD for a long time was like having your mother walk in on you masterbating... much too personal and much too much.

When I came home from school I would play that cd on repeat every single day. I could go through a day of going through the motions, feeling like an alien, and then go to somewhere where I could experience being human, if not just feeling like something out there could reflect me and I was not alone in the universe. This went on until the summer before 8th grade.

As the years went on I grew a soft spot for music. I decided to try my hand at playing music in 8th grade. I remember hearing the last few riffs of a song on the radio in 8th grade while driving in the car with my mom. She said 'turn the station, that sounds terrible', and I was intrigued by it. Funny enough, right when she changed the station it was announced on the new station that Nirvana would be coming up next with their new release (Ten years after Kurt Cobain's death). My mom said something to the degree of 'Awesome'. The song that began to play was the song she just told me to change, and I remember having a similar, yet different experience to what I felt with all the Incubus albums I had picked up previously. I listened intently and then had to have all the Nirvana albums.

While Incubus was an emotional awakening for me, Nirvana was inspirational. I remember I never wanted to play music before when I listened to Incubus because it was like I was learning about myself, but when I heard Nirvana I became obsessed with the idea that I, too, could play music.

I played my hand at trying to make music throughout high school. It was always subject to people making fun of it and talking shit. It became something that I did in private because I never wanted to give more reasons why I should be isolated, or targeted from the masses. I remember my second to last project in high school was actually pretty good, and actually caught some attention once. Of course due to the years of shit-talk, I refused to let anyone know. The band fell apart because I was far too much like an old man, far too specific, and far too deep in other thoughts than the other members.

After going to the Marine Corps and going to war a few times, I came back an angry individual questioning the point of my existence. I was 21 years old, had a kid, was married, felt nothing but extreme anger, cried when alone, and couldn't even attempt to be a parent or husband. I didn't know who I was, but knew that I didn't want to be. It was a tough time for my new marriage and fatherhood. I was mentally fractured.

I didn't really get a transition through the process. The people I saw at medical were more concerned with checks in the box then actually looking at me. To be honest, had they asked the right questions or asked 'are you thinking of killing yourself', I probably would have just gave them the answer they wanted to hear. I didn't want a hand from the people that have never had a reason to care before.

I decided to sell everything, start fasting, and sit in meditation for hours and days on end. My wife reluctantly gave me some space after she realized I wouldn't get help and I was too far gone for her to attempt to reach. She caved in and let me get rid of every distraction I had... every instrument, the TV, and anything else that needed electricity besides the light bulb. She was pissed, but went along with it.

Before the deployments I was trying to play music again with my brother-in-law whom also served (Air Force), but was still more afraid of expression musically. I mingled with thoughts, but my self doubt would get the best from me. It went no where, despite the fact my brother-in-law is the greatest musician I have ever known. It was my lack of heart that got it nowhere.

No one was aware at work, and to my coworkers I was a lucky guy who just did some of the coolest shit they had ever heard of on deployment. I was someone they wanted to talk to. I was actually called a 'legend' a few times. Ha.

Work began to pile on as I became noted as someone who was an efficient worker, and someone that actually gave a shit about the people under him. It was weird to be considered someone who has an emotional interest in others, because it was so far from the truth. I just wanted to see the world become friendlier and wanted to 'be the change I wanted to see in the world'. I spent my life acting to get along, and this was no different.

It took some serious time to come out not wanting to put a gun in my mouth.

We moved to a new duty station and found out my wife was pregnant again. I was still not mentally okay, and now there would be another life I would take on my plate. It was another hard patch... an emotionally unstable pregnant wife and a guy who is emotionally mute that would rather not exist. We got through it and I came out okay.

We got to our next duty station and life continued. I was ready to try to connect to my family again and open up. Through that duty station we grew closer, and I settled into myself again... appropriately  nick-named 'Spok'. It's the INTJ about me.

While at that duty station it came to be that me and my brother-in-law started playing again. We had a few projects going, one with just me and him, and one with the closest friend I have ever had, someone whom I think I can actually connect with. They were fun times, but even though I was coming out of my shell, I lacked the dedication to get better and really step out.

Then came another move for another duty station. I finally found an area of the world I like to be in and plan to raise my family here. I plan to end my service in the military in this location and just move on with life into areas I was once afraid to explore. I want to be my own man and open up those doors I have slammed shut. I want to play music again.

So the projects have started again. Both bands are moving forward, recording music at our homes and passing the files back and forth. I have began putting my best put forward and taking this time as a calling to finally embrace all that I am and want to be. I am taking this time as my last effort to exist in the world in something I enjoy, rather than something that pays the bills. This is my story, and though this is not the beginning of my journey, this is the part where we can share the journey together.

I will be posting up the links to our material on here for you all to see, hear, and experience. I look forward to it all, the good and bad, the praise and criticism.

Until It's Done,
Robin J Magnus